It’s good to feel heard. When heard, we feel like we matter to the person hearing us. And when we feel like we matter to the other, we more naturally feel connected. Feeling connected means we feel intimacy with the other which comes from a feeling of being known and accepted.
Having a feeling of being known and accepted is typically a wonderful thing. Expanding upon this, being able to “tell our story” to someone who cares is hard to beat in the realm of human experiences. And it’s good to return the favor.
Being able to listen is perhaps something we take for granted and is not as easy as it sounds. Our mind runs to “what’s next” and finds it difficult to stay present. Our mind thinks the next thing will be better than now, and so wants to race forward leaving the presence of now in its dusty tracks. You can take a look at that and see if it’s not true.
If you are up for it, try this experiment. Put your focus on a person you decide is worth listening to. Really try to hear them. You’ll notice that some of what they say you really don’t know what they mean. Practice asking, “what do you mean by that?” Ask this question frequently and you will be surprised by the things you learn. Asking this question with sincerity will encourage them to get more specific and it will begin to give them the message you really are interested. You can’t fake this. It doesn’t work if you really aren’t interested.
As we listen, it is easy for us to get distracted with our own thoughts or again become restless with what’s next.
Another challenge is when you find yourself disagreeing with what the other person is saying. We quickly want to set them straight. Try to resist this impulse. Make a distinction between understanding someone versus necessarily agreeing or disagreeing. It can be quite freeing when you discover you don’t have to be the oracle of truth whose major purpose in life is to correct others “wrong” opinions. Learn to live and let live.
Try to come back to the person in front of you. Take a deep calming breath and return to your focus on the other person. Try to have a curious demeanor. Remember, no matter how well you think you know the other person there’s something more you didn’t know. Always is, if you are open to hearing and listening.
Stay present, stay loose, and stay calm. Keep asking questions that allows the other person to get in deeper touch with their experience which can be shared. This is what creates the deeper connection. This can be contrasted to the experience we sometimes have of “having one foot in and one foot out” of a conversation.
When being present in this way, don’t express your experience unless you receive clear signals it is wanted. If it is, have a pleasant dialogue. Remember, this is an experiment in being present to another person. Once it is finished, I would suggest spend some time reflecting on what just happened. What was it like for you to stay present versus go to what’s next in your mind? What was the response back?
Which was most satisfying? If it was more satisfying to be more present and engaged, why do you think that was? Does it seem like a good goal to strive for? I think it is worth reflecting on.