People ask me all the time whether they will ever “get over” an affair in an ongoing relationship or even in a relationship that they have ended. Words matter as they determine how we think about things and words also set our expectations. The reality is no ever “gets over” a traumatic event but it is also not the right way to think about it. “Getting over” generally refers to being done as in never ever thinking about something again. We all have experiences on an ongoing basis that trigger memories from the past.
What happens when we change the question to can we “let go” of painful memories? This becomes a more doable possibility in time. In the beginning, painful memories are intrusive and not a matter of choice. The good news is that in time thinking about or dwelling upon old painful memories does become a choice. In time, we have the freedom to say “yes” or “no” to the thinking about them. In time, going back over the memory has no constructive purpose and we have the ability to just dismiss it from our decision to think more about it. Everyone processes information differently, of course, but a year out from the trauma should begin to allow someone to freely begin to say “no” to dwelling on memories, although this is probably a minimum. Being told to “get over” something by the perpetrator only makes it worse. It is not an easy task to get over an affair.
Infidelity results in the loss of some level of innocence and trust. How we live in relation to the offender, or even other people, becomes a very important question for mental well being. How close do you allow yourself to get again? When we lose our innocence, we are more fully aware of our emotional vulnerability. It takes a real man or woman of courage to trust again, love again, given the real risks. It becomes more of a decision than a given.
To trust again is really something to admire. It is easy to become the distant or hostile cynic instead. To develop this courage to reinvest yourself emotionally takes an incredible amount of patience, from my observations. There is a bittersweetness that lies between loving the person who devastated you and the devastation. There is an unsung hero in one who endures and thrives despite this suffering.
I don’t mean to glamorize or romanticize pain and suffering, but yet suffering unites all of us because we all suffer (thankfully only from time to time) in our own unique ways. Whether we like it or not, it is a common bond.
We can learn to “let go” of painful feelings, but we need to accept these feelings, this reality I went through, to say “this is it” – this is what life, or someone in my life, has given me. I can’t give it back. It’s here to stay. As I accept this reality, I start to quiet down, and then, and only then, can I begin to let it go. As you quickly learn, fighting it only makes it worse. We need to learn to breathe through it.
As life goes on, you surprise yourself with the realization that you are not always thinking about it. Suffering is replaced by all flavors of emotions, and life is good again. You realize it is good to be part of the circle of life again although you always were.