It is not usual for people who have had a series of painful relationships to begin predicting, and concluding, the inevitability of current relationship failure based on past outcomes. It’s easy to fall into a self protective mode and begin looking for reasons why the current relationship will fail. Assumptions are made that they have poor relationship judgment and destiny is on the side of more pain and failure. They feel like they are circling the relationship drain.
People who fit this description who don’t want to be hurt again, or cheated upon, tend to gravitate toward other significantly wounded veterans who fit the same pattern. Promises are made and all is well… for awhile.
All couples experience conflict and all couples experience emotional hurt from a relationship. Successful couples take this in stride and know there’s a staying power to their relationship based on an ability to get past conflict and let go of being emotionally bruised by the other. Good times and good experiences dominate.
People who believe relationship failure is inevitable flinch when conflict or pain happens. If I have a sore elbow, of course, I’m going to protect it and if you bump it, it’s going to hurt more.
I might even dwell on its occurring. Chances are, they stay in fight or flight mode, ready for the next shoe to drop. None of us think very well in fight or flight mode and so we over react. If you take your blood pressure reading and its high, you are probably going to think your next reading will be high too (and it probably will be). Fear begins to dominate.
If you find yourself with this kind of history and predicament, what do you do? First of, take a deep breath, you need to work on calming yourself down and allow the fear to go to its rightful place in the discard bin. You will be alright no matter what happens. You restore your perspective based on the idea you enjoy emotional companionship with another but your life does not depend on it. Remind yourself that you have survived this long. This doesn’t mean you run, it means you steady yourself.
Most of all, there’s nothing inevitable about relationship failure. All relationships are a work in progress. Relationships are all about growing and accepting, and growing some more. The only perfection I know is the perfection of nature in full bloom. Relationships between humans are never about perfection. Find ways to resolve differences, and if it feels impossible, see a relationship counselor. In the meantime, recognize that the struggle is what can propel growth and healing. Of course, its all in the manner in which you handle it. Keep your wits about you, don’t run or fight. Discuss, describe, share, nothing tends to get resolved when you get too excited. Emotional restraint gives the other an opportunity to get their wits about them too. Everyone is a better creative problem solver when this happens. You can always leave if nothing gets better over time.
Some people see being hopeful as naive, I prefer to see it as being open to positive change. Don’t force the other into a corner with “or else” statements. Explore possibilities, take your time in discussing things. Come back to it after reflection time. Dealing with conflict with the other can be viewed as a dance where your success on the dance floor depends on the others success on the dance floor. Some people fall into acting as if its a boxing competition where its a win lose match. You can imagine how successful that is.
I’m not saying all relationships can work out. Just don’t let the Crystal Ball sabotage your chances.