Hiding is under appreciated. We need to hide to protect ourselves from dangers real and imagined. All outward movement toward engagement with others and the world begins with a reasonable feeling of safety. Hiding can be instinctive like a reflex or a deliberate choice that refuses the bidding of others, taking control over the last port of entry into our life. If there’s a hint of judgement, or others seizing control over what one can say or do, hiding can feel like a good option. It can feel like a brutal force to a spouse wanting entry and connection.
For those who practice hiding on a regular basis, it is a reflex that goes back to a time way before it ever thought of becoming deliberate, but in the immediate sense, it works. Part of the cost, and it is significant, is that the person hiding may not know what’s being thought on their own side of the door, at least part of the time. In other words, they themselves may not know what they think or feel. They are not only largely invisible to others, they are likely invisible to themselves.
The reality is, sometimes we don’t know what we think or feel until we say it out loud.` We can surprise even ourselves with what we think. There is a vulnerability in finding out what you think the same time someone else does. The question is, is there a good reason to becoming more open and engaged with others, especially a deep and sustained partnership as in a marriage, despite the risk?
Those that have taken the risk experience a deep satisfaction in being known. Life feels more full, more alive, more connected, you are more at home with yourself, and therefore with others, all of which is the ultimate goal. This is a surprising result for people unfamiliar with this new found openness, those who focus on their false belief of not “being enough” and fearful of judgement, ultimately their own judgement. This is a great tragedy for people who never emerge into themselves.
Do we change our selves or do we change with the help of others? The answer is both. We can change ourselves through admiration of others who seem to show us inspiring personhood, and ultimately we imitate the courage of others who have taken these brave steps. It cannot occur in isolation. It requires our investment in a desire and a movement toward friendship and connection. All of life moves toward this connection. This openness requires a friendship sustained by mercy and acceptance, or else it returns to hiding.
Over time, a friendship will always reveal our darker side, our weaknesses, our trials, our failures, whether we want to reveal them or not. There they are, and close up. Being admired feels good but it is not what sustains. Friendship that is full of grace, tolerance, acceptance will propel partners to deeper ground. It is the medicine at the deepest level of our wounded self as we realize we are actually as we were meant to be, confirmed by the love of a committed partner. We have been seen and still loved.
A marriage, bolstered with this kind of friendship, relaxes without needing to prove anything. Free to continue to explore the mystery of the other adding greater depth as you go along, you also gain the added gift of healing as you experience deeper and deeper acceptance. We take delight in the other and the other takes delight in us. How do I know this? Because we are delightful beings at our deepest core as our humanity becomes more visible.
There’s nothing you have to prove. Hide when you want to, but you really don’t need to.