Why does a person in love repeatedly say to his beloved, “I love you, I love you, I love you”? What if the beloved said, “boring, boring, boring, all you ever say is you love me.” Silly thought. The fact is people in love are not saying “I love you” to convey information, rather by saying “I love you” they are re-creating a state of mind, a certain feeling, that has been part of their relationship that brings back to memory a joy, a close connection, that they readily access from their life together. It’s a way to remind each other of the specialness they feel for each other.
Going on a date, if approached in the right way, can also re-create those feelings from memory. It means drawing on feelings when you first met. You know, before the deal was sealed between you. I’m talking about when a little bit of tension and uncertainly were part of the mix. You knew you really liked the other person but you really didn’t know if they liked you in the same depth. So you were flattering, flirtatious, you put energy into your conversation. You listened because you were genuinely interested in learning more about this person of mystery. The other still is mysterious if the truth be known. Embrace that truth. Enjoy learning about the other. Complement the other, show joy in knowing what the other is about. If you can gain the trust of your partner to really share who they are, it can be a wonderfully intimate experience. This means you have to tolerate a little anxiety as you realize they are not the same as you. Thank God! You want to be able to dance with this unique being across from you.
This is not pretend or a role play. There really is a lot to discover about the other person, and they really are fascinating. It doesn’t matter whether you have been together one year or 45 years. The discoveries of the other can be endless. What’s pretend is to think you totally know the other person. People will conclude that everything to be known about the other is already known. This quest for certainty is an attempt to feel perfectly safe in the relationship and it has the unfortunate consequence of numbing things between you. It’s one of the reasons people turn to others for renewed intimacy or even a quest for greater fulfillment.
Now here’s the big secret. An ongoing ability to tolerate a little uncertainty in the relationship, a willingness to be your authentic self and allowing the other to be their true self, is a powerful aphrodisiac. Yes, you heard me right, yet it is not a truth well known. When you can live the reality that love is a choice made day by day, that nothing is for sure, this creates an excitement that truly is arousing.
There is a way to mix in a certain exercise which will promote greater understanding between you, and focus on some of the long term experiences that have made you you. Some of these experiences we feel are delicate. When they can be expressed and accepted without criticism or judgment, your closeness increases ten fold. It is truly a good thing for another to know our story met with encouragement and support from one’s partner. It will feel dangerous until we know whether the other can accept our revelation. With this in mind, it is best to start off slow with innocent and neutral questions and see how they are handled.
So the exercise is this: Reveal something unknown about yourself to your partner, past or present.. Or the partner can ask a question about you, past or present, meant to learn more about you. You always have the right to say, “off limits” if it feels too much. The primary task of the receiver is to listen intently with interest, compassion, and even mercy when necessary. If it is that kind of information, showing mercy through such statements as , “You were only doing the best you could with what you knew about life”. “We’re all in the same boat in our struggle to find our better self.” When taking on this renewed openness, its incredible to see the growth as mutual aliveness sprouts up. You want to be with the other in every way. No more boredom.
You are with a real precious human being.