Being fickle human beings, its natural at times be tempted to have an affair. Someone else at least in the short term, will treat me better. They will be more understanding, more sensitive, less critical, and more on my side. We think this person “gets me”.
Did I mention, the sex is usually great too. And why wouldn’t it be, it touches on many of the major erotic fantasies having to do with the forbidden. Great sex typically seals the deal. In actuality, we tend to lose our ability to navigate. We say, “goodbye freedom’ and become emotionally lost in an increasingly isolating emotional bubble.
The story doesn’t end there. Guilt and remorse eventually set in as the affairee returns to sanity. There’s a recognition that they have violated a fundamental rule of fair play. How would I feel if my spouse cheated on me? They either set themselves up to be caught, quietly attempt to end the affair, or are eventually found out. Some affairs go on for multiple years before they can find their way out. Self worth takes a real hit.
At the very least, having an affair complicates our life, leads to confusion, and in an unexpected way, typically leads us into more misery. Who can we trust? We can’t trust our spouse because of the secret, and the person we’ve had the affair with has had their integrity compromised by us. We realize we are all alone, and alone like no other aloneness. Being cut off is a very lonely place for people to find themselves.
Some decide to divorce their spouse and marry the person they’ve had the affair with. These are difficult relationships to make work long term because relationships thrive on complete trust and its just not there. A majority of these relationships statistically do not last. Its tough sledding going back to your spouse. If they will still have you, it can be a good option to try to work things out. You tend to come out of it wiser.
So what do you do if you are tempted to have an affair? (remember affairs usually start off as emotional confidants or emotional affairs before sliding down the slippery slope). For starters, think twice. Affairs usually do not turn out well and may end up being your next divorce.
If you do not feel like working on your marriage, don’t. Get a divorce. People who have been cheated on tell me they would much rather their spouse divorce them straight out than cheat on them first. It is far less messy to just get a divorce. It might take more courage but it will be better in the long run if you feel you really do want out.
Realize that your restlessness or dissatisfaction or resentment are feelings you have created. They are selective stories you have told yourself as you convince yourself you are not happy. Alternatively, there are times when we make a mistake in mate selection. Own it, move on, it is not life or death.
You further convince yourself that something or someone else from outside of you is going to be your ticket to happiness. Happiness is an important quest. I love to see people search for happiness as long as you are careful where you look. It can be a growth filled venture but its best when we realize it’s usually an inside job.