Once you get past the first few months, or possibly a year, after the revelation of infidelity, you enter a new phase. The revelation has set in that trust will never be the same and emotional pain is still there. There are some important steps you can take to deal with the pain and help your marriage to deepen and maybe even flourish.
Sometimes one of the most difficult steps is to have a “statute of limitations” on bringing up the past indiscretion of your spouse. No more fighting over the past, no more grilling on what happened. Typically, 6 months to a year is a good limit on rehashing the past. If you continue, it is likely to end the marriage. Up to this point, its good for the offending spouse to be as open as possible about the indiscretions. Both parties know its very painful to bring up but sometimes the aggrieved party feels a compelling need to do so. Its just that this cannot go on forever. It will eventually destroy the relationship.
The big question going forward is, “how do I know I can trust my spouse again?” The best answer is, are they trustworthy in their actions since the affair? After being hurt like this, trust will be an ongoing decision rather than a taken for granted feeling. Assuming the offending party has shown the right amount of contrition – guilt and wanting to make up for the wrongdoing – forgiveness will need to come into play.
Up to this point, the aggrieved party feels their life turned upside down with pain, sorrow, rage, and a flood of anxiety. Its hard to think straight. This begins to give way and other normal thoughts and experiences return which is a relief. You are not as compelled to think about it.
Forgiveness requires that you find a way to broaden how you explain what happened to yourself. Up to a certain point, its just, “he’s a son of a bitch, and how could he do it?” Or, “how evil is she to betray me like this?” Infidelity does not necessary mean that there was something wrong with the marriage, on the other hand, there could have been. You will need to look at this with an open mind without being self critical. Another possibility is that the other was just showing a moral character flaw. There’s always a human temptation to look for something better. Of course, the offending party has to take a close look at, “is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?”
If your spouse is still with you after months of deep relationship anguish, mixed in with surprisingly deep intimacy, they have probably discovered that the “pot of gold” they have been looking for is in there own back yard. This is a sobering realization and can really deepen the commitment to working things out. The aggrieved party will be able to sense this in the offending party if its there.
To move forward, the aggrieved spouse needs to see themselves as separate from the other in a new way. “What you did is on you, not on me.” Your spouse has always carried ethical and character limitations, and if you look at it, so have you. Perhaps not the same limitations. Can you bring yourself around to see them with kindness and compassion, despite the deep pain they caused you? We really are wounded beings which makes us do strange things. You need to be bigger than the pain, and the offense, because you are bigger. With this, you are now beginning to change the way you are interpreting things.
You learn to hold the pain right along with your love. Allowing this makes you into a wise soul. You’re not there yet, but you have come a long ways. Life gets better.