I probably see two or three couples a week where infidelity has occurred. It is typically emotionally devastating news for the offended spouse. Trust is fractured, and the relationship is forever changed. Yet, with a great deal of work, the relationship can emerge stronger and more intimate than ever, provided both spouses want this outcome. Perhaps surprisingly, given the pain, two thirds of couples survive infidelity. The question might be, how do you go beyond survival?
Everything starts with prognosis. In other words, what are the signs the relationship is moving in the right direction after infidelity comes to light?
Perhaps the most obvious sign is that the offending spouse has ended the other relationship. This is not always so simple once the infidelity is out in the open. There is typically a period of confusion and uncertainty coupled with a sense of loss at what one had in the third party. Sometimes the offending spouse will have a light bulb experience where they realize, “wow, what have I done”, and come around a little more quickly. It is best not to fully trust this and expect the offending spouse to need some time to come to a solid decision about their future.
The offending spouse has to show an appropriate amount of remorse and a willingness to make amends by all means possible. This begins by taking responsibility for the infidelity without justifying it in any way. Infidelity is a basic violation of the contract for most couples.
Assuming these first two steps have occurred, a necessary way to begin the process of re-building the trust between the spouses is for the offending spouse to proactively show complete openness about any communication with the third party, any accidental contact, and be willing to open access to cell phone records. The offending spouse must make themselves available to answer any and all questions that the offended spouse has. Almost all offended spouses will say they prefer the “straight goods” answer even if it temporally increases their emotional pain. The offended party needs to have the right to know all of the sordid details that they want to know. This question and answer has the important effect of helping with the trust re-building process.
If these three fundamental markers are in place there is a good chance the marriage can re-build and begin anew. This is the crisis phase of the revelation of infidelity, and I can later talk about what comes after the crisis phase. I want to stress that many marriages, even if they were pretty good before the infidelity, can go on to be some of the deepest and most loving marriages out there, despite the pain.