Two thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. This is typically after repeated and frequent attempts to get their husbands to communicate. What is it that a woman wants a man to communicate? Typically it is to share their internal experience as well as their feelings. Without stating the situation too strongly, many men have only a very narrow band of experience that they are aware of inside. That is, sex, sports, competition, work. Not all men, of course, but many.
You could ask, “what is it about many men, that makes it like this?” What is it that often makes a man so deeply disconnected from his feelings that all he can think about are externals like sports, sex, and making money. In a word, socialization. Boys are taught that the rules of the game are to “suck it up”, “never show them you are hurt”, “big boys don’t cry”. Men are taught to focus instead on getting ahead, being successful. Of course, this is not totally a bad thing, its just that there’s more to quality of life than this narrow band of externals.
Women get frustrated trying to break through. The problem is that it is not that men are necessarily deliberately being obstinate or resistant, many times they don’t know where to begin. And many men quickly feel threatened when an incompetence is exposed. They retreat and close down even further in self protection mode leaving a woman more frustrated and searching for answers.
Here’s some advice as to how to cross the great gender divide.
Approach a man the same way you would approach going to France for the very first time. You would enter their world with a curious open mind. Who is this person who resides in this body?
You wouldn’t try to change a resident of France, you would want to understand what it is like being him. By showing this kind of interest, he is less likely to close down and run away. This is particularly true if you approach with friendliness and kindness that shows a caring and a lack of judgement. It can be pretty cool to hear what its like being this person as he gradually lets down his guard to trust you. Don’t press, take what’s offered.
Begin to talk about what it is like being you. The more open and vulnerable you can be, the more likely it is that it will spark an interest and a curiosity in him. This is not a time to clutter the mood with requests and demands. Talk about things you find fascinating. The deeper we go the more it creates interest. Here’s a big surprise: deep sharing of self turns out to be a mutual aphrodisiac and it is the right kind based on true intimacy. That’s likely to get his attention and hopefully yours as well.
It is important for a woman to be specific and concrete with her requests of a man for it not to go over his head. Statements like, “we need to communicate” do not communicate to a typical man. Tell me how you feel about … are more likely to get through especially if he has experience with you validating his answer. He will then feel esteemed and respected even if his answer wasn’t exactly what you were looking for. You can always ask a follow up question.
Many times, men are just not at the same level of emotional sophistication as a woman and if you as a woman can see it this way, it may be easier to be more patient as you gently and slowing nurture his humanity to the surface. It is an important project, not only for you as a couple but for society at large.
Of course, it’s important that you do not leave it to your spouse or partner to learn how to be a better communicator while you judge her for her success at getting through. Continue to part two for the advice I give to men.