Many fear-based families were influenced by largely unspoken rules to don’t feel, don’t trust, and don’t talk. These family rules for living were motivated by a desire for self protection, but whoa, what a price was paid. As a result, children grew up disconnected from themselves and from others. Seeing “threats” everywhere, they feel alone, isolated, and full of fear. This is a big handicap, and one that is important to look straight in the eye and deal with. There are a variety of fear themes and it is important to examine whether any are effecting you. Otherwise, you are faced with a lifetime of unhappiness. You can’t just keep blaming life and others for your problems.
The route in for this examination is through feelings. Feelings are communications coming from the body to the mind. So you might feel a tightness in your chest, butterflies in your stomach, a lump in your throat, a tension in your neck or shoulders. You might experience tears in your eyes, you might experience a lightness of being, you might experience pleasant or even pleasurable sensations welling up. Feelings are an essential part of who we are and if listened to, will ground us with our deeper self.
Once these feelings and sensations reach our mind, we should be asking, “what is that?” Take your time and stay with it. It takes practice if you are not experienced at recognizing your feelings. When we accurately answer this question, we feel a connection to ourselves and this is very satisfying. The feeling becomes an identifiable emotion, some examples are anger, jealousy, sadness, anxiety, or even joy and gratitude. If it is a negative feeling, listen intently, it may take on a deeper aspect, for example, anger may lead to the deeper feeling of hurt.
This realization and connection to what has just been communicated from body to mind can lead either to a form of expression, such as getting it out, releasing it, sharing it with another person, or to an appropriate action like standing up for oneself, or facing down a threat with as much calmness as one can muster. This connection is the alternative to short circuiting these feelings and not allowing oneself to feel them. You’ll find not facing feelings creates bigger feelings.
Life is far richer when we can live in a world of feelings. Relationships come alive in new and exciting ways. Personal vulnerability is not such a big deal because it leads to a new level of authenticity and aliveness. We realize that we can handle whatever we feel, and whatever comes down the roadway of life. Our anxiety levels fall when we realize there is no need to control and we can just be who we are. Think about that. This is a very joyous liberation to our alternate universe that a had been largely made up with fear. You will discover that the more you allow yourself to identify your feelings, converting them to emotions, without judging them, or yourself, there is less and less need for self protection.
So here are some suggestions:
- Learn to value and recognize your feelings.
- Learn to allow them to exist rather than push them away.
- Learn to give feelings a name so that you can put them into words.
- Develop a safe relationship with someone you can trust.
- Learn to reach out and share with the safe and trusted other person.
- Expand your sharing to a wide variety of people.
Committing yourself to these suggestions will put you more fully on the path to healing, wholeness, and much greater enduring happiness.