Neurobiologists have concluded that the average person has 50,000 thoughts a day. This total includes feelings and memories. If you multiply 50,000 times seven days a week, and then times 52 weeks a year, and then multiply this total times 18 years which we commonly call childhood years, we have millions and millions of thoughts during this time frame. What’s fascinating is what our mind ends up remembering from childhood.
So here I am, at least 18 years later, or more, and I try to recall some of my earliest recollections. Neurobiologists will also tell us that our brain will generally be skewed toward negative or painful memories. If you think about it, its pretty easy to understand why. If I put my hand on a hot stove, and I burn my hand, I’m going to want to remember that experience. Remembering negative painful memories protect me in some way from potential future ills.
I would invite you to reflect on some of your earliest recollections, write them down if you are motivated, and then go on to recollections from grade school, both at school and at home, and anywhere else that comes up. Think about middle school and high school memories. You’ll find that some of these memories are quite painful, and some not at all. We want to focus on the painful ones because from these, often times, a theme or story line develops about yourself and how other people treated you.
I tend to categorize these themes that people have around being abandoned, not fitting in, not properly loved or understood, being left behind, and the other major theme of being criticized, ridiculed, dismissed, not important enough, not good enough, not (fill in the blank) enough, laughed at. These memories can be pretty raw, can involve serious physical and sexual abuse, and clearly are not pleasant to remember.
You will notice that you remember not only the major events but also almost incidental experiences that seem odd to remember. There is something clearly formative about them. It can be worthwhile to discover your themes. I would suggest we all have some themes even if we have gone on to develop great compensatory strategies. You’ll find that even the successful compensatory strategies are unnecessary because they are based on childhood conclusions.
So maybe you were attacked for “being stupid” and it has now gone on to effect your self esteem. Maybe you grew up feeling there was something wrong with you, and we don’t want people to know, so we keep it a secret. Maybe you felt unlovable. Maybe you felt you didn’t have many talents or gifts as you were not good at sports, or academics, or popularity. The list is pretty endless but they all come back to one point: Your conclusions were all made when you were a kid. A narrative was developed that created a self image that was way too small and self limiting. It can be liberating to realize this. Familiarity does not make it true.
What I want to suggest is that you separate out the experience from the conclusion you came to. See the experience through more benevolent, kind eyes. The reality is you are inherently good and worthwhile and there is nothing to prove. If you find yourself hanging on to your conclusions, open your clenched fist and practice letting it go. It’s not worth it and not necessary to stay with these negative conclusions. Every time they come up, let them go again.
Don’t worry who you are, just be who you are. Practice love and kindness toward yourself and others everyday to the best of your ability. Nothing needs to be proved, nothing needs to be fixed, you are beautiful just the way you are.