We often think about compassion as something we give to others. It is more than sympathy. People will say, “I don’t want your sympathy”, and generally they are saying this because they don’t want to be looked down upon, or felt sorry for. Nothing wrong with that.
Compassion is felt and expressed when one identifies with another in their commonality of suffering, and a desire to bring some relief. There is a feeling of connectedness in this. I’m reminded of a story a client of mine told me about a fishing experience he had with his 10 year old daughter. They were just coming to shore in their boat after a few hours of fruitless fishing. Nevertheless, his daughter continued to leave her fishing lure in the water as they approached the shore hoping for one last opportunity to catch “the big one”. Unbeknownst to him, she got her fishing line tackled in the weeds, and very quickly broke off the lure.
His immediate reaction was to snap at her for this mistake. After about 30 seconds of lecturing her about this, it occurred to him that he had probably lost several hundred lures himself over the course of a lifetime. He immediately regretted his snapping at her and apologized.
How was he able to come to this? In talking to him about this, the answer was in how he himself handled this mistake over the course of his life. He was able to understand how this occurred, accept it for what it was, and forgive himself for the countless times he lost the fishing lure. I would suggest he would not have been nearly as forgiving and compassionate toward his daughter if he hadn’t been equally so to himself.
Some people will say, “I can be compassionate toward others but I am hard as nails on myself.” I don’t buy it. In keeping themselves to a higher standard than they keep others, they are treating others as inferior to themselves and in need of sympathy, while they hold themselves as somehow superior and in contempt without mercy.
The question should be asked, “Why do this to yourself?” Compassion begins when we finally see we are all the same in our humanness. We make mistakes, it’s not the end of the world. Show a little loving kindness toward yourself. Gentleness, mercy, forgiveness. When we allow compassion to work within ourselves it naturally flows out toward others and becomes heartfelt and real.